{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry that life is so hard for you and you are so angry. I wish that I could make it better, but all that I can do is remind you once more that I feel for you, I care about you, and I want much better for you than what you are getting. The thing that I wish the most is that you wanted better for yourself too, because it just doesn't do any good for all of us to wish good things for you if you don't want it. As long as other people want happiness for you more than you want it, it can never happen. You deserve so much more. You treat people who use and abuse you better than you treat yourself. I wish that you could see that you deserve better, and let yourself have better.

Everyone who has already replied to you has said the things that I want to say. I tried to get here last night to find out how it went for you yesterday, but coudn't because my internet connection was down. Now I think I'm glad because everyone else has said it better than I could have.

It sounds like the major issue right now is that you want your T to be your friend, and he is telling you that he can't be your friend because he is your T. It's hard to accept, but he is right about that. I know how easy it is to confuse those roles, because I want my T to be my friend too. Mine was my husband's co-worker and friend before I ever went to him for therapy, and we used to have him over for dinner sometimes and stuff like that. When I started going to him for therapy I had to weigh that and decide whether I wanted him as a friend or as a therapist, because I know that it can't be both ways. When he is my T he can't do the things that a friend would do, and that is a sacrifice, but I needed him more as a T. Now, if I didn't live in a rural area where options for therapy are limited, I probably would not have had a choice, because this was a dual relationship from the start. He might not have been willing to take me on as a client. He's the only one who was able to reach me and to make a difference though.

I don't think that your T made a mistake in being like a friend to you. You needed that - he wouldn't have been able to help you otherwise, right? The reason that none of my previous therapists could get inside my shell enough to help or to even understand me was because I found them cold and impersonal - they were never anything like friends, and a friend was what I needed. But the boundaries have to be there. It seems to you that he is backing off, and in a way he is, but it is for your ultimate good. You need to have real friends, and a T can't be that. It's not an equal relationship. He knows too much about you, which gives him too much power and you could never be an equal in that relationship. I often think it is not fair - my T knows everything about me, and I know next to nothing about him and probably never will.

When he wanted you to try group therapy, I think that was part of the same object - to help you to find people who can be real friends. We on this forum can be real friends because we all share our struggles - one person doesn't have all the power, and we support each other. It goes both ways. In therapy the support only goes one way. That's what you need from therapy, but it is not a good basis for a friendship.

Your T does honestly care about you and want what is best for you. He is still the same person he was, but it would not be fair to you to let you go on without understanding that there is a boundary. Therapy is one of those jobs in which the ultimate goal is for the therapist to work himself out of a job, and no longer to be needed. We all always need to have people we can go to for support, but we need to develop real friendships that are two-way, and mutually supportive. Think about your relationship with your husband. You support him, but he doesn't support you. Many of your other friendships are also like that - people lean on you and don't give anything back. Compare that to your friendships on this site, where you give and also receive support. Which kind of friendships do you feel better about? You can have that in real life too. Balanced relationships are more satisfying all the way around.

I'm sorry that you hurt so much. Any time you want to talk, you know where you can find me. I wish that you felt better - on the inside, not just the functional part of you. You are really special, I'm glad to have you as a friend, and losing you would hurt me more than I can say. I worry about you. Thank-you for being my friend.

xoxoxox
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>