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Originally Posted by velcro003
We've spent a LOT of time talking about how I don't like talking about my feelings- so I think that is what she means by "opening up"
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That doesn't say much to me, I'm afraid. I'm trying to picture more specifically how a typical conversation of that kind might go: who brings up the subject, for instance, by saying what; in what context all this happens; where the conversation goes from there; what it means to you when you have one of these conversations; what it seems to mean to her...
It seems as though it could look like anything from:
T: Listen, buddy boy, the kind of therapy I do is all about talking about your feelings. So talk about your feelings, already!
V003: I don't feel anything.
(Aside) And if I ever do, you'll be the last one I tell.
...to:
T: (Aside) I'm so sure I've figured out what's with this guy, if only he'd ever say something, darn it!
So -- what are you feeling right now?
V003: I don't feel anything.
(Aside) Darn! What is she up to? I won't know how I should feel until I figure out why she keeps asking me!
OK, so both of the above are pretty silly -- but that's what I do when I have nothing but my imagination to go on, make stuff up. That's why I feel more at home when I have some details to work with: my wilder imaginings won't fit all those inconvenient facts so I'm forced to cut back to what's actually possible.
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I spend a lot of time fidgeting and sitting in silence. I also thinks she might think it is "scary" for me because most of the time when she asks me a question about some feeling that maybe I had in the past, my mind usually can't recall anything.
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What I picture you wondering about, consciously or otherwise, is: if you did recall something and tell her, what would she do with it?
I'm not telling you you shouldn't trust your T -- somehow I get the impression that you might not, I'm asking if there seems to be anything to that, and I guess I even slanted my two silly examples a bit in the sinister direction to address that.
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In one way, I don't know HOW I can be more open. She has said to just say whatever is on my mind at the moment, but whenever she asks, literally nothing is!
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I assume that in between times something is -- or you wouldn't have had anything to post here, for one thing. So does your mind go blank
only when she asks you what's on your mind? Or the minute you see her? Or on your way to the office? What do you suppose would happen if you were to tell her -- in some detail -- what you're telling us?
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This is also compounded by the fact that I struggle with even feeling deserving of "needing" therapy. I've not had a very difficult life, I have not been abused- yet I am afraid of life and being an adult! It is just too ridiculous.
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By any chance do you use considerations like that to censor what you're willing to say (or perhaps think)?
If you were to take the position that you didn't know whether or not you were afraid of life and being an adult -- what, if anything, would happen to remind you that yes, you are? I was thinking that
that, whatever it might look like, might be a suitable subject to discuss in therapy.