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Aug 21, 2009, 01:42 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: So Cal
Posts: 3,342
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I'm just so.....
exhausted....emotionally, physically, mentally!! 
hurt....emotionally, physically, mentally!!
angry!!
sad!!
numb!!
alone!!
indecisive!!
impatient!!
hard on myself!!
betrayed!!
I don't even know what this is really about even. I just feel blah!! Had a really traumatic experience last weekend that, now that I look back on it, I'm having a tough time with recalling it, but I'm also wondering why/how it got so crazy and why I went over the edge like I did. I tried to bring myself back, but I was just gone.
I feel like I have the flu....but I'm not sick. I'm just exhausted and barely have energy for anything. Even walking from my car to my house carrying groceries is physically exhausting and painful. What the hell is my problem?
Then...I went to see old T. Still working towards termination. Want so much to be able to share with her but insiders have been holding back and not letting us discuss things with her. Or at least they were. I try so hard not to switch in the middle of T with her because I know she is not trained in DID and I don't think she really understands it. Truthfully, I think it makes her nervous and she doesn't always know how to respond. I feel bad for her and don't want to make her uncomfortable so I just hold everything in.
Last session with her on Tuesday, I switched to one of my littles in mid-session. She did quite well working with her, but again...don't think she knew what to do really. She acknowledged that she could tell that this was coming from a smaller place in me, but Willow was scared to talk to her. She did ask her if she still liked us because we were weird and different now...she said yes and I believe she meant it but the little ones think she's wierded out by us all now.
The littles got their feelings hurt at the end of the session too. We were discussing when we would meet next and she asked "So, who do you want to be when we decide when you'll come in next?" Willow and James started to cry....it got real noisy and Amber started yelling inside. Willow just looked at her with tears in her eyes and told her that we didn't want to be any of us. It made us mad.....like we just DECIDE who and when one of us comes around...like we DECIDE or FAKE our switches.  This is how the littles took it but one of our bigs told us that it wasn't that she didn't believe in us, but that she didn't understand us and that she maybe didn't know what to say.
The other thing that just pisses us off..... (Yup!! There's more) she keeps telling us how good we are doing and how well she believes we're coping. I'm not self injuring, my sui ideation has lessened, I'm doing well at work....blah blah blah!!!
BIG FREEKIN DEAL!!! All this good stuff around me and I still FEEL miserable. Can't they ever understand that!?! Can't they ever just get it, that despite how good we look like we're doing, really we feel like crap, want to cry a lot, want to hide and never come out and can't stop picking sores on our skin!! So what if we are coping well!! What good is coping well if all you feel is misery!!!!
Crap.....I'm so tired....I am just gonna go to bed.....
Sorry about this...but....I...just....feel...like crap right now!!
Please....no pity for me. I know this sounds like I'm attention seeking; I guess it's my fault for feeling like crap when I'm coping so damn well!! 
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