((((everyone)))))--and yes Phoenix, i accept hugs

i would have liked some of the attention on what i wore--instead mother dressed me, total control of my wardrobe. my aunt's hand me downs from her job in an office--out dated and way too old for a 14-17 yr old.--scarves with broaches, below the knee skirts----didn't have a choice at all--not even in my "down time clothes"

saw T today and she and i came to the conclusion that to mother i didn't exist. she lived thru me, around me, even hated whatever was about me that she didn't like about herself. it was always about her. and i dealt with it. stuffed it down. as my grandmother said "she is your mother, you are to obey and respect her. until you are old enough to leave or get married (i did the later) you have to answer to her."

so i'm a grown up now.....free to do what i want as far as dress, makeup etc...yet, nail polish is put away, makeup bag is closed up, the couple of tops that are lower cut but not really revealing are in the back of the closet.

can't find the tape recorder that keeps the "ugly" messages going
it did subside some since i removed the nail polish, didn't fix hair, and wore my not so good clothes today to T's office. now i am in a sun dress that is way too big and makes me look fatter than i really am....and i am.

homework from T---spend 5 min a day till Wed (next appt) writing down resentments, guilt, shame----this is scary....triggers abound just in the words.......

not liking this path much right now