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Berries · Aug 21, 2009, 04:36 PM

Inside my head:

I keep calling myself a liar and a faker.

I keep saying I've lied to all my doctors for the last 25 years.

I say I need to stop taking my anti-psychotic and not start any more meds, like my T and pdoc want me to.

I have to keep it a secret though. I can't tell my treaters or my family. I did that last time and the experiment was tainted.

This time it would be a true experiment, cuz no one would know but me. And I could go on untainted observations, instead of self-reports (they might be lies).

Problems are:

1. I like taking my anti-psychotic cuz it helps me get to sleep. And it keeps me from thinking about Satan.
And I want to try an anti-depressant and OCD med, cuz I think I might be depressed and I don’t want my OCD compulsions to get bad again ( I just recently had to stop my OCD med, after much improvement)
2. If I am not a liar and faker, I’ll get really sick and that would be unfair to my family who love and support me.
3. If I really am OK and not mentally ill, I’ll feel sooooooooo bad for wasting resources and putting my family through hell that I think I'll have to punish and hurt myself.

Most of all:
--I want peace from all this stuff going on and on and on and on and on in my head.

WHAT SHOULD I DO??????