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Aug 22, 2009, 02:22 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Buffalo
Posts: 29
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I am so confused right now. I feel like dieing would help me, but then the baby wouldn't be given a chance at life so I am trying ever so hard to fight the urge just for her. How long will it last that is the question. People in my life just dont understand how I am hurting because I am the type of person who doesnt like to show it. My mind and body want some type of relief that this wont last forever. I try to talk to my T about this but she just thinks that continueing with the trauma therapy will help. I kinda feel and think that its making me feel way worse. I cant continue to live my life in constant pain and fear. I am screamin' for help inside but I am happy on the outside. I am the type of person that just cant show my pain so I act like everything is all good and life is treating me okay when its just completely the opposite. The ONLY reason I am trying to hang in there is because of the baby but I have this overwhelming feeling that after I give birth things are just going to fall apart really quickly. I know that the adoption is the best answer for the babys sake. Its just that everything is starting to become so overwhelming right now to me. I am not stupid I cant raise a baby on my own with no supports. I have several medical problems like Epilepsy and Chrons disease. So she (baby) would be better off with a family that could take care of her and give her what she needs in life to succeed. Its just that right now how am I going to get thru these next 12 weeks without doing anything harmful to myself. I seriously hope that who ever is reading this doesnt think that I am crazy because of the thoughts and feelings I am having. I would never intentionally hurt my baby. I am extrememly sleep deprived and stressed out right now. I know that I need help but the hospitals think that I am a joke and attention seeking and I am not. Its seems like the only people in life that understand at least half of what I am goign thru are the people on this site so I figured I'd give it my all and hold nothing back. Ahhhhh I need to cut but I dont want to because it does nothing for me anymore except make new scars. Maybe I will go to the emergency room and talk to someone about whats going on or I will call crisis services. IDK.
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