Hi, Berries
The central thing that I see is that you are engaged in a fundamental inner conflict. Part of you wants to be one way and part of you wants to be another way. It is a tug of war.
Every single human being has multiple personalties living within them. These personalities are not fully formed but are more like aspects or sub-personalities. Most people handle this complexity of personality quite well. But some people become stuck in a war inside their mind.
The only way to find peace is to blend together these warring aspects and achieve a coherent unified personality. Each warring sub-personality is somewhat correct in what it represents but is also somewhat incorrect. So it is not a case of choosing one "voice" over another.
Listen to both sub-personalities and then take the most reasonable thoughts from each and merge them into one very sensible whole personality. By doing this, you will end the tug of war and you will finally find the peace that you seek.
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