Hi catch,

I could have written every word of your post. I have been diagnosed with both BPD and Avoidant PD, on separate occasions. I have exactly one friend, and that is only because she persisted in trying to make friends with me. Right now she doesn't seem to want to have much to do with me, so I know I need to find more friends... but how??

I don't have a lot of answers for you, but know that you are not alone in struggling with this. I am 49 and also tired of the emotional isolation I have always lived with. I grew up in one place, same house for 20 years, but my mother would not let me have any friends. So I learned to be around people but not try to get close to them. I am very good at casual relationships, and can actually appear quite sociable, but I don't know how to get past that level of things.

One thing I do know, is that structured activities work better for me than purely social ones. An example is a book club I joined last year. I knew one of the women because we used to work in the same place. She was the one I asked if I could join. Anyhow, once a month we would get together at a member's place for dinner and to discuss the book of the month. We are on hiatus for the summer, but I look forward to it starting again in the fall. It is a place where I can get to know people and let who I am become visible slowly. I don't have to talk about myself much, but in discussing the book I am also showing who I am. I can't say that I have really developed friendships out of that situation so far, but I know there is potential there for me to do so. That seems to be a start!

I am also not a big fan of the 'just get out there' philosophy. If that were going to work for me, I would not still be writing this at the age of 49. It seems to me it is less a case of getting out there, than of letting someone 'in here' I guess that probably starts with "I'd like to hang out with you" But those are hard words to get out!