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I am really sorry that one of the people that was supposed to teach you what unconditional love is all about has really dropped the ball here. But one of the hardest life lessons to learn is that you must accept some people just the way they are, warts and all. If it turns out that they are too toxic to be in your life then so be it.
In my opinion if you want to “fix” this relationship with your father you must adjust your thinking a bit. First, do get your own place. It really is difficult to see your child as an adult when they’re still living at home. My house my rule’s is big here. Our children will always be welcome in our home, but whether they’re 18 or 81 there will be rules I expect them to follow. Just as I respect my daughter’s wishes in her home (we pay the rent, but it is her home) I expect her to respect mine in my home. It’s a matter of manners, respect, and courtesy.
Secondly, it’s not your responsibility to “save” him or change him or his relationship with others including your mother, she’s an adult and if she chooses to put up with an arrogant, condescending husband that’s really her business. You may find this behavior toward her annoying, hurtful and frustrating, but you cannot chose what’s right for your mother anymore than she could pick a mate out for you. So eliminate these things from the equations and focus on the problems the two of you are having.
By complaining to your mother rather than addressing him you’re re-enforcing the “I am still a child” role he seems to want to keep you in. Not to mention the fact that it does create a lot of extra stress on their marriage, you’re asking your mother to choose sides between her husband and her child, an easy choice here but perhaps not as easy for your mother. But then again, she really shouldn’t have to make it.
If you want a different result, you must try a different tactic. I have to say that if one of my kids told me to “chill out” or “calm down” that would instantly drive me up a wall. On a one to ten scale that would make me an instant 15 on the irritated scale, so perhaps this tactic is contributing to the problem. Maybe try “what is making you so angry” instead.
I personally handled a very similar situation very poorly. A week before I turned 30 my father asked me to fix a problem with his computer. I emailed a techie friend of mine for advice on his computer and my father absolutely flipped out because I was about to open an email from someone he didn’t know (he was worried about computer killing viruses that were going around at that time). I tried to calmly explain to him that I knew this person and if he wanted me to fix his computer, I had to open the email. This stupid little thing escalated into a screaming match. I finally had enough and announced that I was about to be 30 years old and no one on this planet has the right to talk to me that way. I was no longer a child and I would NOT be treated like one.
I was absolutely certain that he was going to hit me. I know it occurred to him, but common sense won the day and that outburst established a new relationship between the two of us.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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