OH Catherine--I am so glad for you that you were able to have a good time, not let the gremlin take over and wear pearls!!!!! so really cool!!!
Thanks, w_i...it felt wonderful.

i am really scared to open the closet door. there are things inside there are are just too difficult to face. i'm trying to lock the door but all the stuff inside there is cracking the door--putting things in front to block it.....

...hug first...then the following is just my opinion, but it was also my experience. In no way do I imply that it applies to you or to anyone else...I'm sharing.

The energy I spent trying to lock my own closet did me not one iota of good. Those things were ready to get out, period.
Those things were there and they were not going away. I had to make the decision to let them out so I could battle them and win--they were already winning by my actions in trying to block the door.
Too difficult to face & darn scary. However they were eating me alive.
But I could handle them one at a time, yes they were entangled and felt overwhelming. With the help of my straight-shooter of a therapist, we slowed the pace until I felt safer.
Being a member of The Keepers Of The Secrets meant I was going to be a traitor by talking; airing the dirty family linen, shriveling from shame because I knew, just knew, I was to blame for all of it. Like I had any power as a child--yeah right.

"Fun time"---means the other shoe will quickly fall on my head...i become very hypervigilent and watch H's reactions to anything and everything for some sign of disapproval (doesn't come) and read into every expression, word and action......
Yep, shoe, boot, whatever was going to crash down on me.
GIGO works, but it took me a wee bit of effort. It was too simple for me, I thought there should be a wondrous illumination, with applause, Not repetitive talking to myself.
I make no apology for being POd and disappointed.
I wanted a miracle and didn't get one. Acknowledging those horrific events took hard, honest work...and 387 boxes of Kleenex before I changed to Pampers to dry my tears.

yesterday i saw a friend i haven't seen in awhile and she commented that i looked happy and content --then ruined it by saying that i've gained weight--but is still looked happy..........so now, i am a fat but happy slob.
this is what you call a friend? someone who makes herself feel good by demeaning you? what are your enemies like then?
No Fat. No Slob. Happy? I hope so...
she meant no harm--just making a comment (she's just recently lost 30 lbs and is looking good).
Meant no harm? BS. She may have lost 30 lbs, but she is weighed down by being mean spirited.
jmo, of course.

kicked in alot of "stuff"------
so today i will spend 5 minutes writing resentments toward mother--and i am having a hard time b'cuz it makes me feel like crap to say anything against her---
Are they true things? I thought so...stop trying to protect her. There is such a thing as looking at that crap and finding out it was a reflection on her and not on you. It opens the door to understanding, not excusing the behavior but some glimmer of understanding will ease some of the pain.

i want to write more
but i feel the upset stomach and wanting to cry coming on and i don't dare go there......
Why?
White_Iris, bawl your eyes out. Get pisssy, throw some plastic dishes like they are Frisbees, and with each throw of one attach a feeling. I will FedEx my 230, 908 plastic ones, and take more out of storage if necessary.
thanks for reading
i don't exist anyway so it's ok not to answer
Baloney. We exist. We are alive and walking the path of healing. Because we went uncared for before does not make us any less valuable now.
Are we imperfect? Yes.
Most of the population imperfect? Yes