Miss C, I think why it will feel like a lie is because my "wash setting" is primed to go to phantasy as soon as I realise someone has gone, and in phantasy I am getting all my empty places filled, and then when I actually see T again, the phantasy goes back to zero and the real relationship has to continue and sometimes within a real relationship versus phantasy there are little pockets where instant gratification desires are not met, because the other person is real and its not just me anymore, where I am completely in control of how my phantasy goes, and haven't got that same amount of control over T or who ever...so its a bit of a pleasure and pain feeling I think. T does give me what I need, but I still need to grow emotionally and work on the instant gratification desires.