lol. yes, it was quite a rant (and reading it over - - where did that ranting deli come from?!). maybe i should offer ranting services for the good of PC? seriously, something good has to come from that silly session i had last week .

this is such a useful way of looking at it, thanks tree . i am really going to try and keep that in mind and aim to feel ok on the outside - not let the stuff in the room spill out and contaminate my "real" life. i think that's been part of the problem - that i haven't contained it, and that i don't let Austin-T know that it's even where i am, so he can't contain it either.

(((((SAWE))))) thank you, darling lady. i am going to print out this thread for me to refer to in future. i think i need a list of things to do to "keep going" - not let the depression overwhelm me - and work, sleep, recreation pretty much cover the things i could do to distract myself, right?

i think i need to think seriously about cultivating an attitude of "therapy doesnt have the power to spoil the rest of my week" and work really hard to make that true.

(((((ripley))))))) that's so generous of you to share. i'm sorry you had a similar experience, but by gosh it feels good to know i'm not alone. if you would like to join in on the rant, please do feel free .

this is a good idea, thank you, clk. i don't think i'm at the point where i could let Austin-T see me cry, but... one word, or even that sentence you shared, i think i could manage those. it would be scary, though, because i'm still building up trust with Austin-T. i'm still scared to let him see me being vulnerable. i don't want him to know that i'm feeling that awful.

but i think... maybe if i brought it up next week at the beginning of the session, then i wouldn't be upset already - so i could get it out without emotion? still be in control? not let him see the real me hiding behind my mask?

thank you so much for sharing how it's been for you. i really relate to those multiple reasons you threw out there.

bugger, hey? you hit the nail on the head right there . i think i must have some deeply buried belief that Ts get sadistic pleasure out of making us feel crap. maybe a huge part of this is that i think my old-T was a little bit like that... not that he took pleasure out of it, but he certainly wasn't one for empathy or anything like that. it's weird that you mentioned dream analysis - i was thinking about Austin-T over the weekend, but i kept using my old-Ts name in my head instead. so i guess there definitely is some unresolved tension going on there, quite apart from the crappiness i felt anyway.

yes, part 2 was originally a follow on from part 1, but when i looked at the length of my post i thought i should at least divide it up so that ppl didnt feel obliged to read the whole thing. thank you for getting through it all, sunny .

you're right that i should talk to Austin-T about it. i did discuss it with pdoc last week, but i know it wasn't any real solution. pdoc is great with instilling me with hope, so i left feeling a lot better, but i also know pdoc has a very strong tendency to want to protect me and so his immediate solution to almost anything is to try and give me a way out. so he said if i dont want to continue with Austin-T, then i don't have to. i didnt even mention the sui thoughts.

i think Austin-T would be receptive to what i had to say. i think he probably has been under a lot of stress lately, and his OCPD has probably come out a bit more (OCPD differs from OCD in that the first one's a personality disorder, and can be characterised by being very rigid/controlling/ordered/perfectionistic & having ideas of how to do things in the "right" way). i can totally forgive him for it (because i am very similar myself) but i think it was just his absolute insistence that was the other thing that triggered me off. at the same time, "being controlled" is such a huge deal for me that it is also possible that i grossly overinterpreted his actions. i am sort of hypervigilant about that.

so i guess that makes it two issues now:
1) feeling hopeless/depressed/sui in session
2) being triggered because of the control thing.

fingers crossed i can work my way through them both next week.

peaches - thank you for sharing re: part 1. it helps so much when ppl share their reasons, because it helps me identify some of my reasons for feeling that way, and subsquently feels less overwhelming.

re: Austin-T. i've only seen him for 4 months now, and i've maybe felt the hopelessness thing 3-4 times (but the last 2 sessions were definitely hopeless sessions). it used to be a really regular occurence with my old-T, and i am saddened that i continued with him for so long, so maybe that is why this just feels like too much already, yknow?

thank you for reminding me that Austin-T does seem to care. i need to focus on all the good things he's done for me and try not to interpret the ambiguous stuff as him trying to get rid of me. i think our next session (and the recommended heart-to-heart ) will be easier if i can keep his caring in mind.