Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts, and at the same time known that if you heard from them in that moment, you'd only want them to go away? There was someone in my life who was bad for me in every way, and I see that now and want nothing more to do with him, but I can't help waking up some mornings and wondering about him, wishing I could talk to him, wishing I could stop missing him and get on with my life. I don't know how to get rid of him. I don't want to think about him any more. I don't want any more to do with him!

I'm moving on, I swear. It only aches, occasionally, because of the empty space he left in my life, but I'm not really concerned with the one who used to occupy it. I can see him for what he is now -- not a bad person, just not the right one -- and I was only fooling myself into thinking he was the real thing. I wish him no ill will; it's just that while I'll probably be curious about him for a long time, I don't particularly care where he ends up.

The thing is, I'm hurt that I never heard from him, not so much as a goodbye. One minute he was there, the next he was gone, and I was left to figure out that he didn't want me anymore all by myself. It doesn't tear me up anymore, and I don't dwell on it, but I do find it incredibly offensive to simply cut me off, after we shared so many secrets, feelings, dreams. It's only right to give some sort of explanation, to be a man and face me about it rather than going into hiding and refusing to man up. In that, I'm always, always going to think he's a coward, and after everything we used to mean to each other, that's a terrible last impression to leave.

I don't wish it could have worked out because I know it never would. Our similarities don't outweigh our differences. We aren't so compatible that I'd be willing to give anything up for him, especially when he made it very clear he wouldn't do the same for me. I did that, I gave him everything I had, and all I got was misery in return. The thing is, I'm ambitious, stubborn, and fervently unwilling to settle. Those were things I used to hate about myself, things I tried to smother for him, because I knew he had half of my ambition and none of that silly desire for independence, fulfilment, or to make a difference. Now I know that all I was doing was letting him hold me back, and it makes me sick to think about. Maybe it's because I'm prone to depression, but I want nothing less than absolutely everything. I have to fight a little harder than most to be happy, and if I give up on the smallest percentage of my personal happiness, it's got to be for someone who's worthy of that sacrifice. None of this means that I know where I'm going in life, but I do know that I'm going somewhere, and I can't allow myself to pine for someone who was always so determined to be mediocre, not to take chances, especially not to take a chance on me.

Those are all the reasons that he's bad for me. All the reasons it would never work and all the reasons I don't want to hear from him again. If I do, it will be to tell him to stay away. He's bad for me and I know it. My friends could see it two years before I did, and kept trying to tell me to get away, make a clean break, because I was allowing him to change me into someone I didn't like. I wouldn't go back to him for anything now because he really was that bad for me. So why can't I stop missing him? Why can't I make a clean break? What do I do now? I don't want to think about him any more!!!!