More griping here...

I am going to see a psychologist on Tuesday. It's the first time I'll be going to a counselor of my own choosing... and the first time I'll be going to a therapist of any type in about 15 years.

I've always just sort of rode out the waves of the blues that wash over me from time to time. I mean, I'm never really happy - I'm not bipolar, I don't have any 'manic' phases. I'm always just sort of coasting along in neutral to low negative, and there are dark points along my roads that I usually just ignore until they go away. This time, tho, the dark night of the soul has been hanging around since last November.

I feel that by just paying this much attention to my emotional state, to my depression, that it's beaten me. I feel like I've lost the fight. I can't go on like this, the constant lack of inspiration, the lack of motivation, the true desire to do anything at all... I can't move forward in my life if I continue to feel this way. So I finally paid attention to my mentality & emotions. I finally confronted my depression & said to it "OK, fine, I'll go see a psychologist! Are you satisfied now?!"

I keep telling myself that I'm sick and need medicine. That even tho it's not the flu, it's a soul-sickness & it requires soul-medicine. That I need some kind of healer to step in & take over. I keep trying to tell myself that my brain needs a doctor as much as my high blood pressure or my bad knees. I keep telling myself to not get defensive - that just because I'm angry with myself for 'caving in' to the depression that I shouldn't be angry w/the psychologist because she is going to be there to help me. It's going to be hard for me because I am sort of an auto-defensive person. It took me 6 months to warm up to my coworkers enough to talk to any of them... I sort of lurked around these boards for months before I felt confident in actually posting anything here... I'm nervous because it has been such a long time since I've been through therapy and I don't know if my judgment will be good enough to tell me if she's a good doctor or a bad one. The way I'm feeling lately, even my friends make me feel like I'm the freak-of-the-week, so how can I be comfortable around a complete stranger?

Any advice on how to avoid being defensive to the psychologist?