I've been thinking 'bout it for awhile now. Then yesterday when one of my DID friends went thru a BAD (understatement) thing, I thought I can't help her. I just started therapy Wed. after a 2 month hiatus. I'm in my own deep stuff & seems I can't even focus on me much less on my friends who are DID. It's a new step we're doing in therapy, having my people come out, willingly. NEVER EVER done that. They've been out, but not saying, "Hi, I'm such & such!" & I can't handle it. This is a new NEW thing & change sux. Then when my friend e'd me 'bout what was going on (FYI, nobody from here so don't be thinking, What did I say???), I realized I can't tolerate dealing w/ my own DID, I certainly can't tolerate it from another. I told her I'll be there for her but I'm in a bad place myself. 2 seriously screwed up people can't help each other.
So, I'm gonna be leaving. I'll stick w/ some of my other groups that deal w/ "just" depression, anxiety, whatnot. But I can't deal w/ DID right now. I have to deal with my own & it's too much. I feel like I'm letting everybody down. I've been trying to keep up w/ the posts here but I haven't been 'me' lately. I kept w/ this group 'cos you know what it's like when I say "I'm not me". I'm at a turning point in my life now. I guess it's good if I think 'bout it now. If I'm able to have my people come out in therapy & have my T get to know them (SCARY!!!) at this point in time, means I'm at a good place. I have security, safety, I have a good, supportive husband who is driving me down to her other office which is an hour away 'cos she's not in her 2nd office for this summer. & he has an hour drive to work one way, then having to take me there, which will be weekly, that's 4 hours of driving every Wed. for him. But we decided I need weekly. Then I know I'm not gonna lose him when things start hitting the fan. My T is good, I just got scared & honestly, I thought she didn't believe I was DID even tho she specializes in it. I told her, I'm not gonna come in her w/ bleached hair & leather. My people are like me. We spent our lifetime hiding, now we are willingly coming out.... Oh My Gosh!!! But, I have security. I have my husband & a good T. As well as my parents. But mostly my husband who went in w/ me Wed. & will do so whenever I need him to.
I'm scared tho. I'm SOOOO scared. I never let people willingly see "my people". My fear was that people would call the cops & take us away. We're not like Sybil, they answer to my name, they act like me, they just do. But now I'm & my T are asking them to be themselves. My T said she would need to get to know them individually.
Ok, this is long. I'll still accept e's & I would LOVE for people to stay in touch. Just wanted a word of caution, I won't be able to help as much as I used to. But I will always listen.
So please stay in touch w/ me. I love you all & you've helped me, I guess you even helped me get to this remarkable point. But I need to concentrate on 'us'. A first here. A first.
Love you all! & thank you for Everything!
I’ll cancel my membership after I send this. I’m chicken that way. I’m sure I can come back, but now I just can’t be here.
Love,
RhysMadison