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Aug 23, 2009, 06:47 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Posts: 2,779
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I've been married 4 times. It would take too long to tell you about all of them. You made me think about one in particular.
My first husband was a super nice guy who came from a wonderful Christian family, father was a doctor, good family roots, very down to earth, couldn't say enough about them. We got engaged in college and married after graduation. Four years later, I couldn't take that he bored me to tears and I divorced him.
It was the best thing that could ever have happened to him. I had horrible self-esteem and deep down, didn't like myself. And the truth was, because I was raised in an alcoholic household with turmoil and abuse and neglect, where we kids walked around on eggshells all the time wondering when the next explosion would happen, I did not believe that I deserved such a nice guy and anyone that nice who loved me enough to marry me had to be an idiot. I was always starting arguments because I was used to living in turmoil. To have a normal, non-eventful weekend was so utterly boring, I couldn't stand it.
I went on to marry two more times, both for the wrong reasons and both ended in divorce. I had intimacy issues. I couldn't trust. There was so much wrong with me, it took years of therapy to scratch the surface.
I am now married to a gem. We will celebrate our 10th anniversary next week. He did not know everything being married to someone like me would entail, but he is learning and supporting me completely. I am slowly learning to trust and the intimacy issues are better.
Please try to understand how much your self-worth impacts what you will accept from others in relationships. If you feel you are nothing, it will not make sense to you on a subconscious level that anyone could possibly care for you. It doesn't matter who it is. You will not let it work.
Who you believe you are will determine who you attract. Also, who you believe you are was formed in your mind beginning a very long time ago when you were a little child. There is much work to be done. 
__________________
 Vickie
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