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Aug 23, 2009, 08:14 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Posts: 2,779
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Hi Bill and Welcome,
You are welcome to post here anytime and at any length you need here. We do have some long ones and yours wasn't anywhere near a record-holder! So, don't worry! 
I can understand a lot of your issues right now. I have been through much of the same things (although I'm female) and have been clinically diagnosed for 24 years yet have actually struggled with my illness all my life.
My life problems have been many and varied. I can tell you from experience that when depression set in, it didn't matter how simple or ordinary any hurdle I came up against, I couldn't deal with it. I found that once I tended to my depression and stablized, everything else was easier to deal with.
I'm sure you have been told this. Alcohol only makes depression worse. It doesn't mix with anti-depressants, either. I self-medicated with alcohol for many years. You see, I was bipolar and lived undiagnosed for many years. I took anti-depressants for the severe depressions but the mania went unattended to so I drank. I put a halt to it myself by going to AA for nine years. Eventually, I was diagnosed correctly and now, I rarely drink, only once a month or so. I'm on the correct medication now.
You have childhood issues. I did too. Those are in your subconscious, tripping you up, believe me. I've been through therapy and have done a lot of work on my own to resolve them. I don't know how you feel about therapy but you might want to consider it. Your strong desire to not be alone is based there, in your childhood. It's ok, none of us wants to be alone forever. But if it's an urgent, panic-like need, then that's where it's coming from.
Sorry about making this seem like a handbook instead of just a few words of advice. I would first, get back on meds. Ask about something that won't hurt your performance. Next, consider therapy. It will also help the way you relate to your own kids.
Keep posting and let us know how things are going. Everyone here cares. 
__________________
 Vickie
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