white_iris, you are safe here.
You took a very big step in sharing your resentments with us.
Thank you so much...

My own experience was needing to grieve first. Oh, I was full of anger and resentment also, but once identified, grief was the biggest.
Shame was the second, and it turned out to be as hard to face as the grief. Trapped in those feelings were many, many questions that would never be answered...if I asked them they would only be echoes bouncing back at me.
Yeah, I was a mess.
I made a safe place in my closet for when I felt threatened and overwhelmed. This was all right for me to do--I desperately needed a place where I could weep, beat the walls in anger and frustration, then fall asleep from exhaustion.

You can do this, w_i.
No, it's not going to be easy. Trading miseries never is...but the one you are going through now will morph into a truce with the memories, loving yourself, and having more laughter in your heart...which translates into a good life for you.

Come out of the cave when you are ready, my friend.
We'll still be here.

In Peace