Hello everyone.
Back in march I was in a manic state, and eventually hospitalized, and was diagnosed with bipolar a month or so ago, and since then i've gone through some stages. The first, obviously is denial - and it was strong. I refused to believe it was an illness and when my wife was talking to someone I heard her say I am sick but now I have meds and therapy. It almost ripped my heart out.

My second appointment with the psychiatrist was pointless. I asked for psychotherapy and he said he was too busy and referred me to the mental health clinic which is a 6 to 12 month wait. I have little money so I can't afford therapy and expensive meds. All I have is lithium, and it doesn't even seem like it works (but i'll keep taking it).

After I gave up on trying for therapy, I turned to support from my grandmother and mother. I've always blamed them for my essentric behavior throughout my life because of the emotional neglect. It's no different now, at age 23. I'm no longer talking to my grandmother because she started yelling at me and hung up, and my mother seems apathetic towards me.

I moved on to my wife, and she says she's there for me, but when I want to talk, I get half her attention, and the things I say get thrown back in my face later on. Of course if she read this, I would get the biggest guilt trip ever. She occasionally says "I think your in a mania, you need to check yourself" when we're in an argument. Therefore, I am alone with this. I decided tonight that I needed to find other people to talk to with the same condition before I deteriorate further.

My father killed himself when he was around my age, so I suspect he had bipolar as well. My mother mentioned how he would run around the house with a knife yelling at ghosts. He was a drug addict and died driving his car into a lake, probably fighting his delusions. This is where I need support the most - I have a son myself and I need to be around for him; and I also need to be strong for him too as I didn't have a father figure at all. This doesn't stop my thoughts of hopelessness, despair, and sadness.
I'm tired of always feeling so alone, and I'm afraid of what's in the future, whether it's another manic episode, or a depression; and if it is half as bad as people who suffer from it sounds, I don't even want to think about it.

I've been reading up lots of bipolar, and I know quite a bit about it now than I did. I've finally accepted the fact that it is an illness. But now what? I can't even go outside because of my social anxiety and trying to remain positive seems an impossible goal. I'd like to ramble on, but I could probably fill a book. This is as good as any place to stop.

Please consider this post as reaching out for attention/support. Thank you.