Well, as we go into the 4th week since the breakup, I have my good days and my bad days. Friday and Saturday were good days, Sunday was half and half. I waver back and forth between putting her out of my mind for a long time, and memories and dreams that continue to interfere with and invade my mind. It's maddening how unpredictable it all can be, how you don't know what will set off the feelings of sadness and anger.

There's still a lot of anger there, for the way it happened, how it happened so quickly... And over a longer-term view, how, if she felt like she didn't really love me a year ago, why in the hell did she stay with me for all that time.

Word to the wise: If you don't love someone or feel the same way about them as they do about you, don't fake it. Don't keep trying to feel something. You can't make yourself feel. Follow your instinct, your gut reaction, no matter how much the other person begs and pleads.

I did, I asked that she stick around, and she did, so when I'm doling out the blame for all of this, I have to take a hefty portion. But trust me, it would've been far easier to have taken all of this a year ago than it does now. No matter how much you believe you are helping the other person by hanging on to something you don't believe in, just don't do it. That's one of the things that is hurting the most right now, just this feeling like we were living a pretty lie for nearly a year. And I was clueless about how her feelings never changed...

I just assume when people write you beautiful poetry one month saying how they can't wait to have your children and marry, you don't expect to be dumped 3 months later. She did and said so many things which led me to believe her feelings had changed.

Ultimately, the problem was that we didn't communicate around this issue as much as we should have. A lot of our other problems I can now trace back to this core issue -- if one person feels very differently about the other, and those feelings aren't really reciprical, then you get into a lot of issues of contention (where the one person is doing all the work, trying to make all the compromises, etc.). If we had talked about this issue on a regular basis, checked in around it, it definitely would've helped. Both of us, I believe. But we didn't. We swept it under the rug, and I, being a somewhat clueless man, certainly wasn't going to ask about it, "Hey honey, do you really love me, or do you still feel like something is missing?" Who wants to have that conversation?

Nobody, that's who. So if I try and be fair, I can see why we didn't talk about it. But it is so hard to be fair right now. That's the problem.

I'm getting there, but I'm not real sure why I'm performing an autopsy of the relationship... Maybe it's a part of the healing I need to do.