I'm not sure what direction my life is going...I need a break...time out...away from my job, life, husband...if only I could take my son to the hospital with me. I could get away for what I know is my terrible screwed up life...I put myself here I guess.

Spoke to T last night about sexual thoughts/feelings towards him. It's in another thread someplace if you want to read it. I feel so ashmed of my feelings and was so angry with myself last night. I was so angry that I had a hard time just being in the moment with my son...what kind of mother am I???? a down right terrible one.

I don't have anyone...i have driven all my good close friends away...even if they were still around...they don't get it...they don't have issues like I do so to them I am just some crazy whacked out person who just wants attention...yes I would like that...well maybe not...idk...it's just better to isolate. I won't get hurt if I isolate.

I am supposed to see my T 3 days from now...then he going on vacation for a week or so.

Do any of you remember the game, monkeys in a barrel, where you had to get all the monkeys out using this string and magnet, well I fee like that last money laying in the bottom...by the time you get to it and try so hard to reach it and get it out...you are just to tired of trying to get all the ones before it out...I am that last lonely monkey...the one nobody gets out. then more monkeys are just thrown in on your back...that's me...

I see the light, but then it gets closed off with more things I have to deal with and try to solve before the light ever come again. I didn't think my life would be this hard. Maybe it's time to quite...therapy, trying...it's just better to give up and easier...so much easier.

I better stop now...don't want to say to much...those people are watching and they will lock me up if I do...