OrangeBlossom,

We speculate that Phil will not accept our DID because he is not willing to believe there are freaks out there who use children in sickening rituals. He would have a crisis of faith because the "God" he worships would not let such evil happen. So he'd rather think of me as a liar than deal with the reality of his wife being this messed up. Plus he is addicted to work - career and church related. He is the arch-achiever. No one can do as much and last as long as Phil. He opens the church up and closes it down and since I finally stopped going there, because they find me a little too messed up, he has been feeling the pinch of not having his family support his show. Sucks being him, hunh? Sucks being me. My faith is what has kept me alive in spite of everything and I will not play at church ever again. I need to get off my rear and find a new place to worship. Then I can completely piss him off.(though I would not ever go to church for such an ugly reason) I think he thinks I will come back some day when I get over myself. When I performed for the church they liked me really well, but when I could not gut it up and perform anymore they stopped speaking to me at all (except for a couple of genuine folks).

I have not been loved by him in over 20 years, I hurt over that and I can't change it. If I could work, I would separate from him, but I can't and I am not going to make myself feel bad about it. We married for better or worse and it sucks that the worse is bigger than the better, but that is life. I didn't plan this. If I could trade places with him I still would not do it, because I'd rather be honestly broken than someone who has no compassion for those who hurt. Thank you for your compassion.

Leslie