|
I'm sorry, but I am new to this kind of thing and I am not sure if I am supposed to post this stuff here or not. Please excuse me for I have not slept in 5 days now. My mind is not 100%. My problems are endless and my concerns are over ever having a somewhat 'normal' life. I have a long history. I know I should be talking with a doctor in person so I can explain all these things but I am currently watching my life sort of fall apart around me. No job, no money, no medical. Though, I am not even concerned about that stuff. A quick background. Depressed from a very young age but I was able to hide it. Major drug and alcohol abuse starting at age 12. I ran and hide and bull crapped my way through life. But nothing has ever lasted or maintained stability for more than a few months. Finally at age 27 (in 2000) I had a full blown psychotic break. I moved back home with mom and dad and was able to get a slight grip on it again, but it was not long before everything exploded. From that point, I was hospitalized 5 times over the next 2 & 1/2 yrs. 2 for being unable to sleep which lead to a psychotic break each time. 1 for a major attempt on my life. 2 for worried doctors, which in all honesty, they were on the money. I was in danger but I was not sharing it. Quick step back, in 1996 I was diagnosed with ADHD by a university doctor. That was, at that time, the most eye opening experience of my life. I finally had some answers. Back to 2000, my first hospital stay diagnosed me bipolar with psychotic episodes. I am 100% sure of the ADHD, I have even opened my mom's eyes to the fact she has it too as well as her brother and father. The bipolar thing, 99%. I guess that is because there is no known family history of it, not to say it is not there, just don't know. No one has every showed or acted it, but neither did I. I used to tell my mom that I am the greatest BS that every lived. She used to hate that but she did not understand me. I am a great BS'er because I have been fooling everyone around me my entire life to believe that everything was fine. Of course, on dad's side, my grandparents where both alcoholics. Not hard alcohol drinker but never without a beer and a cigarette. And, when my grandfather died (on dad's side), I watched my grandmother basically smoke and drink herself to death within 2 yrs. I was about 7-8. Sounds like a link to me. 3 & 1/2 yrs ago, I was feed up with New Jersey and my job. One Monday morning I decided I was done with it. I quit my job, packed my things, THREW OUT ALL my meds and quickly bailed out of my parents house while they were at work. I could not even say goodbye to them. I did not tell anyone I was leave, I just left. I drove 3300 miles and arrived at my new home. A friend from home had been living there for a few months so it was not 100% blind faith to the wind.
In the 3 1/2 yrs I have been out here, I have experienced the roughest times of my life. I got evicted, was homeless and starving all at the same time and all for the first time in my life. Now, here is were it has me confused and still questioning bipolar diagnosis. I have not been depressed the entire time. Even right this minute, I am probably days away from being back on the streets. (At least this time I have food stamps.) And yet, I am not experiencing depression. It really blows my mind. It has me very confused and even concerned. I have self medicated my whole life with weed and boozes which I now is bad but it is something I enjoy and I have never really been able to get away from it. Although, the abuse factor has calmed (with age I think). I do feel trapped in life right now because I am basically stuck in a one horse town that has zero work with no means to leave. Besides the fact that I am not obssessed with suicide, I know I am not depressed because... I normally do not sleep more than 6 hrs a night usually more like 4. When I am dpressed, I can't get out of bed. I sleep for 20 hrs a day.
I certainly don't want to end up back in the hospital, especially in CA with my family in NJ. I feel a little hopeless and I am definitely concerned about the rest of my life. 36 yrs old longest relationship 3 yrs, longest job - 1 1/2 yrs. At this point, it is quite clear to any prospective employer that I have a problem. No one wants to hire someone who is not going to stick around. Not sticking around anywhere is a gaint red flag - mentally unstable. Then add no wife or kids, yea, I would not hire me.
I guess I was just wondering if anyone can relate or help me understand this any of this.
Oh, by the way, I have not had any weed or beer for a week and I have not slept in 5 days.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Ken
|