The refuge I mentioned folks is with strangers - someone I trust mentioned it to me. Right now I would still find it hard to stay some place with or close to people I don't know.

The only thing that hurts worse - to me - than cruel words is being pushed into the "deep freeze". Cold silence can leave a mark that doesn't show and feels emotionally dead.

Thank you all for your good thoughts, kind words. I think I am going to take the time to start thinking for myself. I've tried so hard to make our marriage work, but I am so tired and His heart left me a long time ago. My spiritual beliefs values faithfulness highly and that makes it so hard for me to face the failure that is our marriage. But, if it is a wreck I need to call it what it is.

I was the only girl child, the last born and I have felt alone my whole life. I got pretty adjusted to it and I know my issuse made it hard for me to bond in a marriage. But all the mess is not of my making, I am not powerful enough to ruin it all by myself. I have struggled on because it was my choice to marry and my duty to give it my best. My best is limited, but I gave it.

I'm gonna stop talking before I bury myself. I am so sad and tired.

Thank You ALL, I do appreciate you very much.

Pixies