I'm so sorry you are struggling. You are not a freak. There are reasons for everything. Whether you have a dissociative disorder or something else, there are reasons for it.

I forgot whether or not you have a T, but if you do, can you ask her/him about it? There are tests that can be administered to give a clearer picture of what is going on so you can get the right kind of help you need. If you don't have one, perhaps you can call your local mental health center and ask for testing for everything. Then they could maybe help you find a T that specializes in whatever is going on for you.

Like I said, no matter what is going on, there are reasons for it and you can get help. Take gentle care.