So I continue to obsess and grieve about this exgirlfriend of mine and my friends say just to remove all traces of anything that reminds me of her from my life.

That just feels wrong to me to my very core. She's a part of my life experience and always will be and it wasn't all bad. It feels like throwing away important parts of my life and my self to do that.

I'm not even sure what my future feelings will look like towards her. I know I need to get past any feeling that I need to be with her to be happy. I think I have to at least give that up completely and totally to be able to be friends with her. And maybe I'm not really ready to be just friends yet, because so much still hurts. Probably similar stuff for her too. But do I have to even give up the idea of being friends with her? Of ever talking to her again? That is much harder.

I haven't had a ton of relationships. Really I can only think of one that intense before my marriage now, and we're at least distant friends of a sort now I think. But yeah I don't think it will ever be like when we were just friends before anything ever happened. It just seems a shame that relationships so often kill off any chance of friendships. It's all so hard and confusing right now.

I'm just not ready to contemplate losing her forever in every way and I think that's what's making me act and feel so crazy.

The other thing being "cut off" always reminds me of is how I've cut my dad out of my life. He's the only one I've ever done that with like this really, and when I wonder if people see me like I see him, or if maybe I should let up and talk to him...it just sends me into a whole other level of angst.