Again thank you everyone for your replies and advice. After some thought about what you've said, I am trying to get the actual courage up to say something. There is one thing I forgot to add in there that is kind of holding me back. And I know this is just something I need to talk myself out of thinking. Dad was also very strong in his opinions of people. He was very ademant about mom and I knowing that we weren't as good as the cousins were. I've struggled with this for a long time. And I guess I still am to some extent. In alot of ways in my life. Its been very hard to think of myself to be just as good as anyone else. I am so afraid that I wont be good enough. Sure I can put on a front when I have to. But always deep down, I don't know how it is to be good enough. I've never been a good enough daughter to my dad, a sister to my siblings, nor even a wife to my husband , he still chooses his family over me so much of the time. And to those who I want to be friends with, I think I am the worst of all to you. I am always so afraid of saying something dumb or way out there that its not going to be useful at all to anyone. This is why, so much of the time, I wish my mom was here. Because she never thought anything less of me if I couldnt rise up to her standards. She accepted me, and I knew that. I knew it. But the rest of the people in my life, I dont know it. She was the constant in my life.