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Originally Posted by SweetSunshine
Again thank you everyone for your replies and advice. After some thought about what you've said, I am trying to get the actual courage up to say something. There is one thing I forgot to add in there that is kind of holding me back. And I know this is just something I need to talk myself out of thinking. Dad was also very strong in his opinions of people. He was very ademant about mom and I knowing that we weren't as good as the cousins were. I've struggled with this for a long time. And I guess I still am to some extent. In alot of ways in my life. Its been very hard to think of myself to be just as good as anyone else. I am so afraid that I wont be good enough. Sure I can put on a front when I have to. But always deep down, I don't know how it is to be good enough. I've never been a good enough daughter to my dad, a sister to my siblings, nor even a wife to my husband , he still chooses his family over me so much of the time. And to those who I want to be friends with, I think I am the worst of all to you. I am always so afraid of saying something dumb or way out there that its not going to be useful at all to anyone. This is why, so much of the time, I wish my mom was here. Because she never thought anything less of me if I couldnt rise up to her standards. She accepted me, and I knew that. I knew it. But the rest of the people in my life, I dont know it. She was the constant in my life.
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Hello again. I get the feeling that you're not really looking for advice, but more support and encouragement. I hope I'm not overstepping any boundaries here, but I wanted to share something I learned and think is relevant to your situation.
Trying to talk yourself out of thinking is really the same as trying to think yourself out of thinking.
It doesn't really work. You just have to forget about it and try. Will you eff up? Eh. Maybe. But you won't be the first person to eff up and you'll recover from it. I think you'll actually manage just fine. You might be a little wobbly at first (picture a baby deer just learning to walk) but you'll find your balance and then just be, without worrying so much if you'll measure up right or if you're okay. You'll find the courage to let go of trying to prevent mistakes and just accept that you'll be able to deal with mistakes as they come, if they do. That courage comes from experience, and the experience comes from just trying and having faith in yourself. Don't have faith right now? No problem. Just try and you'll find it was there.
There is a lot of history you seem to be carrying around. I'm not saying you're bad for this, but I think you can probably picture, as I can, a life where you just ARE, free of that weight on your shoulders. I'm of the opinion that you don't have to sort it all out. Just let it go. Leave it in the past and recreate yourself into the person you want to be, a person who is friendly, caring, and strong, who feels her worth and doesn't let others determine it for her. If you're afraid you don't know how to be that, just act it out for now. You'll develop a new way of seeing the world and then have a better choice of what to do.
Hope it all works out for ya.