Title is supposed to say, Just when I started to feel connected, the you was a slip....

Ugh.....I have such a hard time with all this therapy stuff....things were just starting to feel better between my T and I and then this....

The first anniversary of my moms death is tomorrow. Last night, I had just fallen asleep and awoke not to long after and was flooded, I mean flooded with really hurtful memories of my mom......I was balling, had total anxiety....like I hadn't had in years.

I decided to email my T at that time......what I was feeling because of the things my mom did ect... the hurt I felt because of her lack of care, abandonment and all that comes with that...

In the email, I included, I know your busy, but can you maybe call tomorrow and leave a little message, I purposely won't answer, it can be anything.

I got a response from her tonight that said some really good things but also said something that really hit hard.....She said, I'm thinking about you, I'm sorry I can't call at the moment.....I couldn't absorb all the other stuff in the email because that line was so hard to hear.....

I have never asked her to call me before and I have been seeing her for 8 months.....in fact I told her I can't do the phone thing because it makes me too nervous......It pretty much settles the whole phone issue for me that I may not really be able to trust her for that, especially if it can't be done at a time like this....

Two thoughts come to mind, the intellectual one that she is busy and really can't leave a message....

The other is that it's some psychological nonsense where she can't leave a message, because God forbid she sound like she is rescuing me, maybe they learn that.....maybe she wanted to leave me feeling abandoned to tick me off (cause transference)........I don't want to be rescued, I just want to know that I can trust her when in a real time of need......maybe it was a test on my part....

I needed to know that she would really be there before I really start to express to her about how I feel about my mom.....now I want to pull back really bad....

I know she's not my mother believe me I know that......but that doesn't mean that there are not times when I need her to be there, especially for something as little as a simple message to show she's really there.....I could see her doing that if I did this all the time but this is the first ever asking her that

I have a session with her tomorrow night, the night of the anniversary, and I know she is going to bring this up because I just emailed her a response and told her I was sorry that I asked her if she could leave me a message, that I know she's busy, that that was what I felt I needed in that moment but I'm fine now. That I felt completely rediculous not long after sending that email.....that she has no idea ...ugh...

I'm sorry for rambling, it just makes me really need to close myself back up, take care of myself like I am sooooo use to doing.....like I've done my whole life because it keeps me safe. I've been trying really hard to move away from that, trying to allow myself to be vulnerable with her....and then this....
I so need to go into my I don't care mode right now....