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Okay well I was back in the hospital again and the doctor didn't listen to me(once again). I swear they must want me to self-harm because they always think that it is for attention. If only they understood the half of it. Lately it seems like nobody understands what I am feeling and going through. So I also told my T that right now isn't the right time to be doing trauma therapy and she told me that this is the best time. Ummmm how about not. This life just makes me want to give up. The ONLY thing that is keeping me alive right now is my daughter, but soon she won't be my daughter she will be a different families daughter. I spend so many nights wondering when will it end???? I don't know what is going to help me stay alive after I give birth I am already depressed I am so much more of a risk to suicide becasue of the MDD and after I give birth it will be even worse with postpartum depression. I don't know how much more that I can take. I have one person telling me that the depression is all in my head (my adoptive mom) and then I have a (medical doctor) another person telling me that its a chemical imbalance. Who do I believe the MD or the one who tryed to raise me???? I feel so alone. I am in to much pain emotionally. I am so on the verge of losing my cool along with my mind. I use to care about my life and getting my GED and going to church now I don't care about any of them I could accually care less about them. I am hopeless along with helpless. The only thing that really seemed to help me was the ECT treatments. I tryed all day not to salf harm but in the end I ended up self harming. I am such a freakin' loser I cant even not self harm myself.
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