My mother died almost eleven years ago. I suppose she wasn't the greatest mom who ever was, but she was my mom, and I still miss her to this day, even though half the time I still want to yell (scream) at her for stuff that happened decades ago.

So I can relate to at least some of what you feel. But I know that you have strengths that you don't even know you have yet. You'll find them. Quit stressing, and be good to yourself. This, too, shall pass.