(((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))

Okay, first you need some of these:

I do agree with Miss C....for whatever reason she couldn't call, her e-mail did sound very caring, even though I know it wasn't exactly what you needed.

Sometimes when I am in a really tough spot, when part of me wants so badly to reach out to T and to be supported and cared for, another part of me is looking for *proof* that he doesn't really care, that I can't really depend on him, that I'm going to get hurt. The times when I need him the most are the times I'm most likely to push him away. Maybe because I feel SO vulnerable, and I'm so scared of being hurt again, I almost expect the hurt, and I look and look until I can find it. Because things just wouldn't make sense any other way, you know??

I was just thinking tonight about the connect/disconnect dance that goes on with T. I remember a while ago in therapy, there was a point where I was feeling really connected to T after a disconnect and I was telling him what a relief it was. And he said "just expect to go through it again". And I was like "huh?"...and oh my gosh, he was so right. More disconnect did come up, and more connection, and more disconnect and connection and on and on and on. I think it's part of how we learn to trust and to be cared for...and sometimes we just think we need to back off and protect ourselves...and then we're ready to connect again.

So, your post makes PERFECT SENSE to me.

I hope when you see her tomorrow, you can allow yourself to say whatever you need to say about the phone call (or not, if you don't want to) and allow yourself to experience the support and caring that are really there in the room, with you, at that moment. I know it will be hard. But you deserve it.

Be extra gentle with you.