I know you feel disconnected right now. I think it's important to focus on her saying, "I'm sorry I can't call at the moment"--although you feel so alone and disconnected right now, it's not because she doesn't want to connect, and it's not because you aren't worth connecting to.

The anniversary of my dad's death is this week, too, and it's so, so, so hard and lonely. The first anniversary is brutal. And when you add all the mixed feelings about being hurt, but still loving her...oh, it's a real recipe for pain, isn't it?

I have found a bit of relief in being able to tie things with an "and"--as in, "I love my dad, and he was sometimes hurtful to me." One doesn't cancel the other out.

I hope your T is able to get back to you before you see her, but if not, I hope you are able to feel some comfort when you do see her again.