Muffy,
Thank you for your kind words. It's really hard losing someone, especially if there are alot of conflicting thoughts. I have called my moms number as well as her voice was still on the answering machine at my dads, who by the way has not talked to me but once since my mom passed, so it's really both of them that I lost. He pretty much went off the deep end when she passed, back into his old lifestyle....

As far as T being like my mother, she really is not. I don't feel that way at all but she has been someone who is starting to show she cares and that is something that I know I need. I still don't allow myself to trust her enough to really open up yet though.

Miss C,
I think she cares.....i'm just confused with why it was not possible for her to take a moment for a quick message, I told her I wouldn't even answer, just to leave a quick message.
In her email response, she said she couldn't at the moment, it could have been any moment but I guess she didn't have a free moment.
And here is the confusing part.... she emailed me and I responded, then she just responded to my email again, that takes just as long as a quick message.....maybe she just didn't want to do it for whatever reason.

Her response to my second email was........
Not ridiculous! You were honest! And that's a very good thing.
See you tomorrow!

A good thing, it doesn't feel like a good thing that I asked for that because she didn't do it.....now I am left feeling like I did something wrong in asking that.

That really hurts alot......but I didn't tell her that, even if I were tempted to.....because the word transference would probably pop up, and honeslty, I think anyone would feel terrible if they reached out at a really low time and got that response.

She told me in the beginning that I could email her, because I find that easier, but then said however, I respond to phone calls quickly, so sometimes with an email I may not get back to you the same day.
That didn't turn out to be so.....

I would rather her just be honest with me about the whole thing and say, well I couldn't interfer ect.....that you need to figure this out....I don't know.....

Seabirdanne,
I loved my mom tons, which is why I am having a hard time with all of this. I feel really, really guilty for having these thoughts flood me now.
If it were that easy, I'd quit stressing at this moment.....but there is alot to all of this....
I understand where you are coming from

Tree,
I finally took to plunge and reached out.......and now feel horrible for doing that.
I really didn't ask for much......I mean I don't think I did...and it was a first...
I really, really, needed to know that I could trust her.....that doesn't come easy...
I don't even know how I am going to walk in there tomorrow night. I almost want to send her and email about how I really feel about all of this......but I won't....