Hi Tao, I have been with you since last summer or fall when you came. I can't help but wonder if you need a large amount of structure and routine in your life right now. Do I remember you are from Utah? Are there summer camps there where you can work and give to children, or better yet, children with special needs? You almost seem to need you day carved out for you. That is not a bad thing, nor is it permanent. Think about it. Kids need good older roll models and you certainly could be one. You could live in and have the feeling of routine to hold you safe. Just a thought.