You all make it so hard to just leave this place!!
I've gotten several PM's & emails from people. I'm gonna stay, just won't post until I know I can do it in a safe manner, for you all.
I can do individual emails or PM's as I'd still like to give & receive support. But I don't have to leave. I guess I just needed people to let me know that. My addy is rhysmadison@aol.com
I truly believe I'm where I'm at now 'cos of you all here. Talking 'bout your probs, me commenting, makes me think & learn more 'bout inside. New perspectives. & lately, new awakenings.
I wanted support for what I'm going thru as it's new to me. But I didn't want to burden you all. That's not the main problem, I mean we've all shared a bunch here. The prob was I didn't know what or who was gonna come out. I know things won't be safe inside & I wasn't sure if that would carry over to this group. It just didn't 'feel' right. You know how we just know. I WILL keep this group safe for you all even if that means me leaving for a bit. I care too deeply for you all.
Irony is-
Had decided to leave some groups as well as accept the fact I won’t get a local friend. I have acquaintances I talk to locally, but not friends friends. Someone who I trust to see me/mes. After 5 years of living here, Wed. at my T's I told her I'm done w/ trying to get a local friend. I accepted my decision. Figured it was for the best, esp. now dealing w/ the inside. THEN Friday got 2 phone calls. What??? Now is not a good time for me to be making local friends. I just decided I don't want any, & I had 2 calls. Nobody calls us 'cept telemarketers. One was for my husband, a long-time friend of his who is worried 'bout her son. We talked for 'bout an hour 'cos he wasn't home. Ok, then a little later, another person called for him (he goes to a support group). Well, I know some of the people there & the one guy told this girl a little 'bout me (I don't mind, I tell people they can) 'cos she has a past like mine. Ok. Then we talked for 30 min. She said she wanted to be my friend... I told her I'm at a bad place right now. She understands diss. but not DID. & I really don't want to get into that w/ someone, not at this time. She was saying things like Well your H should take you to couns. He does, but I know it’s hard. He has an hour drive one way to work then to see my couns. at her other office, that’s 4 hours of driving he’s gonna be doing on Wed’s. I got defensive, Um people can only take so much. Well he’s gonna have to & if he can’t you need people who can. I’m thinking- I don’t know you. I can’t trust somebody for this. She was saying I can come over & just be me. I said I can’t until I know I’m safe. Well you are safe. AHHHH. She does NOT understand DID. My H later commented, she does not know what she’s saying/ asking.
SOOO, a bonfire today for the group. I wasn’t gonna go but she asked me to. I said I’ll think ‘bout it. I didn’t go. She said you can sit w/ me. Lady, you just don’t understand. I can’t just trust someone just ‘cos they say I can. I was getting irritated explaining this & thinking- Why now? 5 years, made my decision of no local friend, & now I have people ‘hounding’ me. She’s in her 40’s, kids, divorced. Even if I wanted a local friend, truth is, can’t be her. She’s too… She apologized several times. I’m sorry I called you, I shouldn’t have told you that. I shouldn’t… Lady, I do not need this!! I know we apologize for who we are, I do, but I don’t do it to a stranger. I was trying to help her then thinking- Why. I’m not gonna go back on my decision. I’m not at a safe place for me. I won’t be drawn into her probs & her woe is me. I won’t be made to feel guilty. You know how we feel that way when people apologize for breathing. She said I can call her, I said she can call me, reminded her again, I’m not at a good place…
I’m strong. I set boundaries & people will NOT cross them. I know what I can/ cannot handle. I don’t want to explain my DID to others. Oh I understand, she goes. She’s not ‘her’ at times. Not the same dang thing. It’s not. So I won’t explain. I will be there but she will not cross my boundary. My first & foremost thing is to get my people out & about w/ their memories. I don’t have it in my to try for friends. Well, we all need friends. Friends is a two way street. If you want, I can take you. You need to have friends. GRRRR.
Never tell me what I want or need. That doesn’t sit well. I have fighters inside who will come out & have come out. One did in the convo w/ her. She had enough of this lady. I know the lady is lonely & was just trying to be friendly. But I already warned her bad timing. I can’t just trust her. Took me a long time to do w/ my H & parents & even they crack at times under pressure. Well that’s why you need others… If people who know me (& mes inside) can’t handle me, how the blazes am I supposed to trust a stranger. Trust takes time. My people will be out when they are safe w/ whom they are safe with. Not anybody else & not any sooner.
So…. So much for leaving huh? I still will take a break. It’ll be good for us inside. But you know, I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time. I think that accepting of them (I accepted them, but was more like tolerated them) is healing me. I also know this won’t last. When the memories come out, tensions gonna rise. But until then, I’m gonna just enjoy listening to them. Always heard them, never listened.
Love,
RM