The time has finally come.
Tomorrow's the day that I pack up daughter, my 2 Rotweillers, 1 Amazon parrot and 2 (newly added) young rattie girls (a promise I made to dot...lol...sometimes I have to watch what I commit self to), into the van and head off to Nevada.

Surprisingly, this past week has gone rather smoothly....as far as maintaining my sanity and keeping self focused on the "plan" of getting out of here, considering that I've been doing all of this on the sly...hubs not having a clue what I'm doing..tho, he's not a complete idiot..(still stand to ponder that, tho....lol).

Now that it is down to the wire, and I have time to "think" about it...I find self a nervous wreck primarily because of my worry regarding hub's reaction once he realizes we are gone.
He suspects something's up....senses something....has addressed it casually by asking me, "going somewhere?"...as a result of his noticing that I've been attending to a sudden cleaning mode....lol...If he'd only take out the time to look inside my van..OMG...anyone would have a good indication that it's packed to go? But not him....no no....that required too much effort....sigh. Yet, it's a good thing my van has those heavily tinted windows on it..one would have to plaster their face directly upon the window to see inside of it.

I can't help but to feel guilty.....very guilty. And if I allowed myself, I'd more than likely break down in tears....lol.(eyes tearing now just from the thought of it). I don't want to hurt hubs. Leaving like this will devistate him...I know it will. But, at the same time, he's left me no choice, really.

It's not like we haven't talked about my leaving before. I've told him many times that I have to go. I've written him extensive letters (which I'm pretty good at writing into layman's terms for his understanding), that I've printed out and given to him many different times. Sent him emails, again, explaining all of the reasons why.
He's in denial, I know. But that doesn't help me much regarding what I'm doing to him....only adds to my guilt. And I DO feel horrible.

I've been putting off leaving him partly to avoid this confrontation...THE final day. I know I'm not at fault here FOR leaving as I am, yet, I can't help but to feel there has got to be something more I can do to buffer the initial shock for him....sigh....unavoidable, I know.

I thought about attempting one last talk with him. To let him know the exact day I'm leaving....to try to help prepare him for this, but I've been advised not to do that as hub may very likely do whatever he can to prevent me from leaving.
Suggestions have been made that maybe I should stage (initiate) a fight to directly associate my reason for leaving "so suddenly". That makes some sense, yet, seems so deliberately sneaky and wrong. GAWD....seems that no matter how I do this, the fact is that I am leaving him....and I hate the fact that I can't help but to hurt for him. I don't want him devistaed...lost...hurting. I don't want him to feel like I've been all these years...yet, I can't have my daughter and self continue like this, either.

Why do I feel like the bad guy here? I feel like I'M the one doing wrong. All these years of the abuse and the effects it's had on me suddenly seem secondary to the actual act of leaving. I feel like a lying, sneaking cheat who can't be strong enough to attend to this as it should be....directly to him.
I hate the idea of a "dear John" letter...yet, I'm left with no other choice. This WILL devistate him. Not fair of me to do this to him. But I simply cannot handle him clinging onto me as he's been doing since he's been sensing this.......change.

I sorta need some encouragement from y'all. Even though I AM following through with this tomorrow....I sure could use some support....some reassurance that what I'm doing....HOW I'm doing it is okay...that I'm not the bad guy here....and that all will be fine.

This is sooooooooooooo hard. I wish....that he would one last time directly remind me of how much of a prick he has been to me all these years...so that leaving won't hurt so much.

Dang....writing this.....now I AM an emotional wreck.....ugh.
I guess....Maybe I just needta get the crying overwith, so that I can regain focus.

Shangrala