This is crazy.....I have let this thing get to me so bad...........something that really seems so very little intellectually.............but feeling wise is a giant to me.

I can't believe the disconnect I am really feeling right now...
It was such a tiny, tiny, tiny, little thing I asked for......just a moment out of a WHOLE day.....but would have meant a ton to me.....would have expressed to me that she does really care, and was really there for me in a time of NEED...

She'll be there tonight, I know that......I just needed her to be there yesterday......this was so different....

I am going to try to hand her a letter tonight......if I can do it......but right now feel that if I do, no words will come, that I will just cry and that she will react the way she did last time I addressed something......it scared me to death....felt like she was pushing me away......and I need to steer clear of those feelings....
(addressed that situation with my school counselor who said my counselor was very wrong in the way she dealt with that situation, that she herself would have said to me that she was so sorry that I sat in pain that long and was afraid to tell her....that my feelings would have been the first thing she addressed...that my T wasn't having a bad day to leave that out of it, that she probably had someone in life who nagged her about something similar and it came out on you.......I never told my T that my school counselor said this...My T was away on vacation for 3 weeks when I visited my school counselor (I was having a hard time), which I did inform my regular T about.....I didn't tell her what my school counselor said though, because I wouldn't want her to feel bad...)

Here is the letter I am going to try to give her tonight in reference to my feelings to her not being able to call....
About my email…
I was not completely honest with you in my response to your email.
I said I was sorry that I asked you to leave me a message and that I was fine. The truth is I was not fine. I felt horrible all day. I think #### sensed I was sad because he came over to me, sat high on the couch and laid his head on mine but didn’t say a word. I reached over and rubbed his arm in acknowledgment of him being there. It was really sweet that he did that because he tries to act all cool and tough, even though he is only 10.
I guess it hurt some that I reached out and asked for something I had never asked for before only to hear it couldn’t be done. I haven’t done the phone thing because I am really nervous about doing it, but last night was so bad, that I did need that.
This was not my little hey are you there, emails help a lot with that, it was a HEY, I NEED you to be there this time. A….I’m going to allow myself to be a little vulnerable; can I trust you to be there? Maybe it didn’t come across that way because I didn’t call crying. In 8 months I have never asked for that before, so it really did hit me some. I know it was such a little thing that may not have seemed important but it was huge for me.
I know I should acknowledge that the rest of the email was really nice, that you did that for me, but it was hard getting past the first line…….
It made me feel like you weren’t really there, that you didn’t really truly care. That I wasn’t even worth a moment….a one minute message, something…

Sorry this post was so long.....why in the world do I let something so simple cause such agony???????