Treehouse said,

He and I spent a lot of time Tuesday and today talking about this summer and how hard it was for both of us. It was like the world's longest therapeutic rupture COMBINED with this hard core trauma work. Ugh. I think the fact that somehow, some way, we came out of that, still together and still connected made me believe deeper down that it's real...he's there, and I can trust him.

I have noticed that when my t and i have a rupture and repair it, it does seem to bring us closer. But for some reason, at the next rupture, i am not able to comfort myself with the knowledge that we have the ability to "get past it" and that we actually have done that many times in the before. It is just. . .weird.

The only reason I got to that point (which may or may not last!) is because in the middle of all of the crap, I just kept showing up. Just like you're doing. Sometimes I think that's all we can do. And I finally just let myself be vulnerable...I started saying exactly what I was thinking no matter how embarrassing it is, or how scary, or how unrelated to what is going on right then.

I'm trying to be more open about how i feel with my t. I've always shared alot. But i have a very good "filter" also. There are things that i hold back from saying because i worry about how it will sound and/or that i will look bad or she will think bad of me. It's hard to work on things when I'm trying to be perfect and not make any mistakes! With some things, I need to just bite the bullet, trust, and say how i feel regardless of how it might sound or what the result is.

I think when I kept myself shut off, I could never really truly connect and FEEL that T is there and he cares. I knew it intellectually most of the time, but without FEELING it, I just couldn't hang on to it.

I get the "shut off" feeling alot. Unfortunately, it is usually after I've felt very connected to t. It's still scary for me. I've spent so much of my adult life being outwardly polite and helpful, while being inwardly aloof, not letting anyone become close to me. It's a safety thing. And no matter how accepting and encouraging and trustworthy my t is, there is always a part of me still testing the waters. . .is it safe? is it safe? how about now?