I know I will never be the person I should have been. Having a baby was going to be the last chance I had to make something in my life go right. (HUGE back story there) I was going to give her the best. I ate well, went to all my appointments, did all the screening tests, nothing went wrong with the pregnancy except for her being breech at 40 weeks and my emergency Csection. I know I could not have prevented the breech, so I am not too upset over that. But good moms aren't suicidally depressed after having their babies...(not now but I was before). Breastfeeding was a nightmare of epic proportions. So now I feed her crappy Costco brand formula.

I can't afford a home in the good school district down the highway. I can't afford to stay home with her. I can't afford the high quality day care centers all the Microsoft employees can. I have no idea about things like playgroups. I went without breakfast an entire month so I could afford to buy her a highchair. I drank coffee instead...NOT a good idea. I have always wanted two kids because I hated being so lonely as an only child. I have no idea how I can pull that off financially...or if I should even try poisoning another child with my genes.

I freaked out when a friend said my daughter looks like me. Not only does it mean she will be doomed to be hideous and everyone will shun her...if she is like me she might end up a bipolar mess like me.

I just want her to be happy and have friends. I just have no idea how to teach her to have that life.

I don't think the Lithium is stabilizing my mood very well right now!