from last night - so much was happening - talk about meds and the psych nurse and the place i live in and ...t being back finally.... so much was happening, i think in my head it was like when 2 storm fronts collide.

the pieces i remember:
*the calm before the storm - t getting me in the lobby, saying good to see you, and gave me a hug.
*T talking about the abuse history i had to write up prior to her leaving and the letter she wrote for me from that for SSDI
*t (brain just went totally blank...) uhhhhhhhh... getting on my case about meds and how "everyone thinks meds are the answer" - when have i ever said this?! why can't anyone understand that i've been led down this med path, unwillingly, and now i am at a place where i am hooked on the damn things, i can't just up and quit, i can't work without them because of the high level of anxiety, and i can't live ON them with the damn side effects?!!? On top of this my GP has told me that I am too complicated for her to deal with (this is not her speciality) and the psych nurse has said that there are already too many dr's involved on my case and she won't prescribe anything. WTF?!?!? What the hell am i supposed to do?!
*me crying a lot, trying to hold back the tidal wave of emotions ready to knock t right our of her rocking chair (not on purpose of course).
*t switching topics (or was it me?) to mom -i guess i did that. but then t jumped to the abusive situation in which i live here with her and the state of this house and on and on about how i have to get out of here.
*"you put so much energy into healing. If we could channel that energy into your getting out of this house, you'd progress much farther. You do all this healing work, and then go back to that house and environment where you are shut down and can't heal."
*"Even if you don't get dissability, we are going to have to get you out of that house - i am pushing you because i care about you"
*"You have to push through the fear here, Kiya - i know it is hard and scary? (she ends nearly every sentence in an up-lilt so it sounds like a question) But staying there is destroying you."
*"You take what people say and translate it into negative things that really aren't meant - so hear that I am really doing this as a loving action? And that i care very much for you?"

i can't do anymore. type anymore.
it was hard to hear all these things - all the voices in my head were yelling for sui and cutting and running out on t and telling me not to cry and talk back to her, tell her why her ideas won't work.

at the same time knowing that my experiences have left me with the heart and mind that struggle to see new things in a positive light, to trust them, try them. that I can't see the 'way out i want' so i won't choose any option.

confused, hurting, knowing t cares, feeling the sting of her words, wanting to run and hide, wanting to hate t for making me feel this way (i know - no one can "make" us feel anything). good thing my intellect knows all this, or this would have been a HUGE "gee thanks T for returning finally and hating me, I'm NEVER coming back here again, asta la vista" rupture.