Right now, I feel I am caught up in a twister. Spinning so fast that I cannot breath. Lost within where no one can hear me, yet screaming out for my very existance. Words are gone, and right now I see no light. Fealing guilty yet more scared than ever.

Where are they? Those who are no more. Why am I? Why did I hold on? I who have no right to be here. I who did such atrocious atrosities. Even with no choice----I did. I did not run, I did not scream out except within where no one heard or could hear. Why do I live?

It is days like today I am running a race yet the finish line never comes. The world I exist in is swallowing me up and I have no strength to fight. The words and memories spilling out burn with a heat that is too hot to touch. Too hot to even walk close to.

It feels as everywhere I look, road blocks are so strong. My own worth so taddered that I cannot see my next step. The pot holes seem to be so close together that with every step--you wonder if you will fall in. And every step is like quicksand, pulling you under with a new strength.

You totally shy away--pushing up that wall so no one will see. You are afraid that you are totally not worth a word, a phrase, or even a letter. It is all taking you away. You scream for someone to see through this wall--this mask. Through the repulsiveness and fear. And you wish that someone could know, yet afraid if they did--no one will care.

Sometimes, you see a hand reaching, but you cannot grab ahold or maybe there is so much fear you cannot. A tear rolls down and you try to catch it before anyone sees or sometimes a rushing river breaks out, whether within or without, and you hide so no one knows.

Everything is closing in around you and you try to save others to protect what is raging within. But strength is so weak, so fragile, and you wonder how many more steps can I go? And all you want is for the darkness to end and the light to peak through. For the voices to stop, to be able to tell someone--yet you cannot.

Somehow, you hold on--terrified--blinded--engulfed within the storm. But you hold----please just hold a little longer.

dps