it was hard to hear all these things - all the voices in my head were yelling for sui and cutting and running out on t and telling me not to cry and talk back to her, tell her why her ideas won't work.

at the same time knowing that my experiences have left me with the heart and mind that struggle to see new things in a positive light, to trust them, try them. that I can't see the 'way out i want' so i won't choose any option.

((((Kiya)))) You cant imagine how much I understand you. When I read your whole post I feel so much like you. The 2 opposite poles. That feeling of wanting to get better, wanting so badly that its overwhelming and you think of hurting yourself. Please, dear Kiya, be safe and know that you have support here and your t does care very deeply.

About the meds.....are you on meds? Or the p nurse wont prescribe them? Of course you cant just up and get off of them. Once youre on them its a big deal to get off!

I dont know anything about your living situation, but tell me.....why are you there? Is it money? Are you not safe there?

And t telling you all of this s**t just as she gets back. Believe me, I know how their words can sting when they want you move along. Its awful and it hurts.

Can you take one issue at a time?
1- meds
2- living situation
3- ???

And then it might be easier to choose an option.

((((Kiya))))) Be gentle with your sweet self and be safe