I had so much to think about before my session today. I have never talked about my t so much before a session. I thought Id walk in and she would see right through me that I had been trashing her for 3 days on the computer!

Well, I actually did not go blank. Maybe it was my mood- everything with me is so dependent on my mood. Maybe the meds are kicking in. I felt clear and wasnt (yet) crying. I remembered pretty much everything I had posted here on PC and all of the responses...all of them. (I didnt mention PC- does anybody mention PC to their t???) And then I just let it rip. Not in an angry way, but I felt confident in what I wanted to say and what I felt even if it was confusing. I told her everything not leaving out any detail. I couldnt believe I was saying this stuff.

Everything seemed to be related to everything else. The desk and my feelings about her being so far, distant and cold. About boundries. About my previous t and boundries. My lonely/frightened feelings with my mother, projecting stuff onto her, the csa with my father, my kids, my husband....we went through everything and the bottom line being not hurting myself and not hurting my children by acting out in front of them. Even if I have to "act as if." We spent some time on my mother's death. And how I "acted as if" during that period of time.

And the subject I have been talking "around" has been what I am doing with food. I have been emotionless lately and doing as I please, but my weight is too low (I am 113 and I am over 5'6") and this is where I struggled with her. It feels like a f***ing impossible thing to do to eat and put on weight. And I wont go into the hospital. I have a family. She believes that it is dangerous for my kids (not the little ones, but especially my teenage girls) to see what I am doing. And they know what I am doing and make comments all the time. I feel awful but cant find a way out of this hole. She seems to think if I keep acting out that they also can develop eating disorders and personality disorders. Not what I want to hear, but it does give me motivation to do something. I just dont know how or what that something would be. When I eat I feel like ????? I dont know. I want to hurt myself or kill somebody.

She wants me to remember all the time that what I want to do is to be a different kind of mother than my mother was.

And then I brought up her vacation I said "Are you going away?" This was at the end of the session and she was getting up anyway...I didnt want to leave I thought, OH NO! ITS GOING TO BE 11 DAYS UNTIL I SEE HER AGAIN!

I asked her if she was going away. And she said....always wanting to be a blank slate..."Why?" And I put my head in my hands and said, "S**T!" And then she did say to me that she was going away for as long as I was going away (at least I got something out of her!). And then she said to me, "There is always the phone, not to worry." I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing she will take my calls....and I left.

I have to say, that if I had not been posting here and getting my thoughts and feelings together I never would have known what I feeling and what to do about it. Never. I know some of my posts were really long and it was a lot over 1 desk! I so appreciate everyone taking the time to read those long ramblings and give me such thoughtful replies. I took it all with me and it gave me confidence that it was OK to feel and say whatever I needed to.
Thanks