UGH. I had session today...and did not do well in telling her what I think This is the e-mail I sent my roommate after because I was so stressed/upset. Stupid therapy!

i went in there with notes on what i wanted to talk about, and STILL couldn't do it. i did bring up the medication thing with her, and she said she suggested it because of all the stuff going on with you moving and stuff; that i seemed more stressed and thought this could help. that if i had gone and talked to him, that maybe nothing would change. it doesn't mean i have to increase them. that made me feel better, not like "you suck when you're depressed! up your meds!"

but then i squirmed about per usual and said it feels like it never gets any easier. she said it has seemed to get harder for me lately. i told her i didn't know what to do. i don't know what to talk about. she said there is no "should", just whatever is on my mind It doesnt have to be always about what to do with my life and goals, just what i'm feeling at that time. I don't know what i'm feeling most of the time. But I said I don't exactly know what it is that i'm afraid of--some reaction on her part to me, what she thinks of me. I could not get more detailed than that, AND she gave me an opening. She goes "Is it something I've said, my tone of voice?..." What I wanted to say was that the open-endeness/silence kind of makes me think about silence coming from my mom. Usually not a good thing--it meant she was angry about something. I tried to start to say it and she was like "You can say it, just say it dawn!". AND I COULDN'T. I just couldn't. It makes me feel so bad. I can't even
really place exactly why. Guilt, like I am comparing her to my mom and "accusing" her silence of meaning she's thinking negative things about me. It is my job to bring up whatever I need to, and i just can't! AH. I am really stressed/upset about this, and I don't know what to think or do.

She also mentioned that maybe I don't want to be in therapy if it feels this hard. Or maybe that a therapist that is more behavior/goal-oriented would work better for me. Great, now I'm a failure. I did tell her that made me feel worse, like I am failing at therapy. She told me that I am not failing, if anything she feel like she' failing me. See, those are the right words--and yet i can't believe them. She said she is not going anywhere, and she suggested that because she feels it is her job to if I am unhappy in there. Also the right words, and she said a few times that she is not kicking me out. Why can't I believe it? Why is this making me feel so awful? Why can't I say what I want to?

She also talked about how I have very deep trust issues, but as equally important, I don't want to face "it" (what that it is--i don't know) myself, even with no one else in the room. What don't I want to face? What should I be facing?