Writing here (I don't journal any more) helps me process things. So, it was a good, connected session. Why am I a little sad?

1. I can't see her for another 4 months unless something urgent comes up.
2. There was no intensity; everything went smoothly. I like intensity.
3. I didn't cry, duh. I never cry but still I thought the "love" stuff might make me feel something.
4. It was TOO easy to tell her my feelings. She didn't have to pull anything out of me.
5. I didn't get to everything on my list, but I knew I wouldn't.
6. I can't remember exactly what she said when I said I used to hide behind the obsession and it was scarier to feel real feelings about her. Or, maybe I didn't say that? I remember saying something like that.
7. I wanted her to react more, but she was her usual self, telling me it was fine, good, or whatever to feel love for her, and that was all. She smiled and was happy about it.
8. I miss her already.
9. She didn't say "I love you" back but I wasn't expecting her to.

Now for the good things to balance it out:

1. I felt very safe and comfortable as soon as I walked into her house.
2. My favorite pillow to hold was still there. It always is.
3. I was able to start talking right away.
4. I looked at her all of the time.-- had *eye contact"
5. I felt connected to her the whole session.
6. She answered some personal questions about her (not too personal).
7. I was able to use the word "love" and "you" in the same sentence.
8. She was glad that attending her workshop worked out so well, that I "proved" that I could decide that it would be okay, and it was!
9. She liked some poems I wrote.
10. She didn't get defensive when I criticised her and said I could always tell her what I don't like that she says.
11. She said I didn't have to wait 4 months to tell her something; I could call.
12.She wants to see me every 4 months. She didn't kick me out and never will.
13. She actually let me talk a few minutes over 50.
14. She said phone calls were all right and asked why I have to keep checking with her about them.
15. I could tell she was glad to see me!