I went to session.....

We talked about lots of stuff, mom stuff, feelings, I started to cry some but shut myself down as usual....good old coping mechanism...

I shared a memory that recently came back to me, something from when I was little....it was strange that and 8 year old would do such a thing......I worried whether or not I should tell my T, because I didn't want her to think I would try that now......(involved taking too many meds, but not being enough to do damage) but I did tell her.....that was pretty embarrassing to share...She asked if I knew why I did it. I didn't really know. I said, I knew it was wrong because I counted them first, then took them, and awhile later got scared and went and told my mom.....

She talked about the email and non-call issue as soon as I walked in, I figured she would. I didn't talk much about it then.
I felt really horrible, numb, something....
She said how are you feeling right now, I said I don't know.....she said aggitated, she had the right word, I was I know it was because of feeling let down.....but I didn't tell her that.

After talking about all different things, pretty much at the end of the session, I said, I wasn't honest with you about something. She said what? I said the email and phone issue. She wanted me to explain, I tried but I couldn't really make sense, so I said I have a letter that may explain it... she said would you pull it out so we can talk about it as session closes. I said ok...took it out. She said will you read it. I said NO....she said you won't even try, I said no...
So I gave it to her. She said, will you stay here with me as I read it, I would really like if you would stay with me when I do. I said ok.....don't read it out loud. So she didn't...
I also said, please don't get mad at me. It was what I was feeling and just put it down like that.

She read it.....she said she was sorry. That she went to a meeting right after opening the email and did not have time and did not want to risk compromising my confidentiality (haha, ok "little me" was like please, you could have did it on your way home...not buying it and confidentiaty, no one even knows me where you were) I wouldn't tell her that though, never......never, it was just my past speaking hahaha, guess thats what T would say.

She said it was the "little girl" speaking, that was what she needed, and that I need to recognize that....that that will be the start of some healing....

I said, I read it again today and in the email you recognized I felt abandoned by my mom.....but then I felt like you did the same thing by not calling me, that it felt the same....(started crying a tad here but only for a second...)

Here it comes lol.........She said you are projecting on to me what happened with your mom, something like that.....I was like yep, knew that was coming, in my head of course.

(still have a hard time with that one to, because sure I felt abandoned many times in the past, but this was now. I was having a rough time with my mom's anniversary and needed a message....so not getting that...hmm....was it really projection?????? Or would most people feel that way when reaching out and not recieving.) I mean I did receive, shoot, I need to remember that, she knew I needed the email and sent it, just didn't call.

She said, you have to remember the times that I am here, that I am here weekly, things like that......I blank out again...I hate that, wish I could just record sessions....

She said she was really happy that I gave her that letter. That it lets her see how sensitive this issue really is to me....that it's good for her to know....ok that was nice....

At one point I said, Intellectually, I know you can't rescue me, that you don't have to call me, that its not your job to do that .......that thats not why we are here. I think I had a little attitude when saying this....you know, did the quotation thing with the fingers and all.....

Can't remember what she said lol......dissociation......she did say something at one point about her not being able to call me in the middle of a crisis at times.....sensed a little bit of not so nice emotion from her at that point.....but maybe that was just me.....

She said, I care about you, I know your probably thinking whatever, that it might be hard to hear, something like that, but she said I really do care.

Really wants me to be able to bring stuff into the room with her.......but it still freaks me out......

All in all, it went ok.....she gave me a hug at the end, asked what I was going to do to help me sleep tonight because I had a hard time the last two nights....I said tylenol PM
Guess I'm glad I gave her the letter. But at the same time feel like it was a bad thing to do, shows I am too needy and all that. But its done, hope it turns out to be a good thing.

Sorry this was a long one......