It can feel so hard.
It took me 9 months to do much but cry and stare at the floor. Then I decided to dive into the pool and see what happened. I still had no idea what to talk about. But I went in and told her I was going to start talking about just whatever, that I had decided to take a leap of faith and trust her and just see where it went.

Prior to this she said there was only one "rule": to say Anything and Everything that comes to mind. That's it.

In spite of my decision to talk and to trust her, it has been very slow going and the trust comes and goes. It can be there one second and then, poof it's gone.

We also have talked a lot about why it's hard to talk. I am so thankful she was willing to spend time talking about why it's hard to talk because I was able to get to the fears around that:
What if I say something stupid?!
What if I contradict myself!?
What if I say something that will make her send me packing?!
What if I want to change the subject?!
What if I say something that makes T not like me!?

Oh the layers! Tonight we talked about:
What if I say something that affects the connection we have?!

Now, I still often want to hold in my thoughts, but I am practicing stating that I am censoring (so I can be aware of it) and then she might ask if I know why and we talk about that, and usually I can get it out. It isn't necessarily anything big I am censoring; the most important part of this is what we discover in our exploring why I am censoring.

It has been 2 1/2 years and I sometimes I am still afraid to be myself, to speak openly, to admit some of my feelings (I mean, I know I'm immature or I wouldn't be there.. still.. ).

Tonight she said it is palpable, in the room, when I am angry. LOL I thought I covered it well, and I have been so afraid of it showing! Here, it's been showing all along. That changes everything. Hearing that was kind of embarrassing, but freeing too. No need to try so hard to hold it in if I'm not fooling her, if I'm not saving face/trying to make myself look good. Maybe now we can get to it sooner.

Keep going, keep talking as much as you can. It will come