(((clk6))) i am sorry that you, too, know these things so close.

i am living at home with mom (i'm 32) because of money issues as well as not quite having the skills to make it 'in the world' as past trials have proven. mom is abusive, the house is dirty and falling apart-dispite my best efforts to break the cycles and clean/fix things/learn new ways of being. today i did manage to put in several new lights (we were living in the dark) do some dishes, and will fix a toilet later -as i am the only "handy" one in the house ("and yet", my mother says, "nothing gets fixed").
I am realizing that i am part of the problem because my spirit to fight back has been worn away and i live in fear of her. I gave up, gave in. I live like abused wives who still live like abused wives even when they finally escape. T tells me i have the power, have control over my life, own my life. I tell her that may or may not be true - but if it is true, i sure don't realize or see it as such. she agreed. intellectually, i understand. but it isn't my intellect that is running the game here.

i remember t said something about my power (solar plexus) needs to reawaken and join my heart, then join my inner vision/dreams (6th chakra, inner eye) which can then all align with my intellect (crown chakra) and then i can really have an incredible life. I keep thinking i'm watching Discovery Channel about some other species of human.

one thing that was a big moment was that T thrust her crystal back into my hand - the one i had just returned to her from her vacation that she always leaves with me - she said "I think you'd better take this back for the week, you're gonna need it!" To send something so precious back with me into a house that I had just described to her... that was HUGE. it was like saying I am not my house, I am NOT dirty or unworthy. *cries*