Miss- i don't think this is gonna pass... i think this is the new reality. i went to the dinner tonight at the clinic - T read my email to her and reaffirmed that this is what we are doing, and she has to be strong and push me because otherwise nothing will change and i will not get better. "I know this is hard, but it has to be done - and like you said, kiya, you know this has to happen?"
At the end of dinner, she came by me again, asked if i was ok - i told her i was struggling with all this- she gave my shoulder a squeeze and said "Hang in there Kiya". I told her I'm hangin.
Interestingly, I've had a lot of shame around my house and situation (a lot instilled by mom who won't let anyone come over because of the mess ((that she says is MY fault, when really it is all hers)) and she says 'OK if you can deal with people seeing this pig sty YOU live in) and so it was also a pretty big deal for me to (as my observer self floated out of my body) watch as T did grip my shoulder strongly - she touched me... me... the one from the dirty house... just like sending her crystal back into the hell hole, she touched me. Even tho i showered yesterday and have clean clothes on, somehow I think of myself as not clean, not acceptable, not worthy. And she broke through that boundary and touched me. I believe she did so on purpose too. To show me that i am worthy. and she is fighting for me. to remind me that she is on my side. she is like the nurse who has to clean out the gangreen and it is gonna hurt like hell and i don't want her too. (she is an RN actually, as well as a PNP and PsyD) so maybe also like the surgeon who then has to cut away the dead, unusable leg (in this analogy) ...aka mom and this gangreen house... and teach me to walk again with a prosthetic. I can't even imagine something different and am beyond scared - what is beyond scared??- like i can't see the future - like it will kill me. i know it has to happen. i know staying here will bring me down with the ship. but i can't swim!!!!! and they're's sharks out there too!!!!!
How many analogies can i bring into this thing?
I didn't even have any words or energy to type when i opened this thread again - and look at all the words pouring from me.